What to Say (and Not Say) to a Mom With a Baby in the NICU

Most people who say the wrong thing to a NICU mom are trying to love her. They reach for something hopeful, and it lands like a stone.

If you are reading this, you are already doing better than most, because you stopped to think first. Here is a place to start.

Start by saying congratulations

She had a baby. In the fear and the monitors, people forget to celebrate that. Ask the baby's name. Ask to see a picture. Say the baby is beautiful.

Many NICU moms never get the ordinary joy of an announcement. You can give a little of it back.

Things that help

• "Congratulations. Tell me about [baby's name]."

• "I am so sorry it is this hard."

• "You are a good mom."

• "I am thinking of you today. No need to write back."

• "I do not know what to say, but I am here."

• "I am dropping dinner on your porch Thursday. Any allergies?"

Notice what these have in common. They do not fix anything, and they do not ask her to make you feel better.

Things that hurt, even when you mean well

• "At least..." At least the baby is in good hands. At least you get to sleep at night. Anything that starts with "at least" tells her the hard part should not feel so hard.

• "Everything happens for a reason." She may come to her own sense of meaning in time. It is not ours to hand her in the hallway.

• "I know someone whose baby was even smaller, and he is fine now." Her baby is not that baby, and she knows it.

• "When is the baby coming home?" She asks herself that every hour. Often nobody knows.

• "What happened? Did you do something?" She is already asking herself whether it was her fault. Do not add your voice.

• "You are so strong. I could never do it." She did not get a choice. Some days she does not feel strong at all.

A word about faith

For many moms, prayer is a real comfort. "I am praying for you and [baby's name]" is a gift when it is true.

Be careful with the phrases that explain her suffering to her. Sit with her before you offer her a reason.

When you have no words

You do not need them. Showing up counts more than saying it well.

Send the text anyway. Bring the coffee. Say "I see you" and mean it. A mom will forget most of what was said in those weeks, but she will remember who stayed close.

If you already said the wrong thing

Most of us have. Say so. "I think what I said the other day did not help, and I am sorry" will mean more to her than you expect.